that moment when you

add 2 and 2 together, and you don't like it when the answer is, well, 4.

1 Corinthians 3:16

For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?
But we have the mind of Christ.

My passion is to bring people to God. I yearn for unbelievers to meet with Jesus, and have Him in their life. I feel very strongly about this, and sometimes I feel down when they see my not-so-perfect life and I worry that I'm not being a good witness.

I'm coming to terms that we are not perfect and are not meant to be. We will never be. And that's ok. The conference I went to in Leeds reminded me that we needn't be ashamed of our imperfection. Often Christians hide that they have a sin (or sins) to deal with, hiding them and pretending in church that everything is going perfect, that they're so in awe of God.

My life is visible to the non-christian students around me right now - they can see my every move. I am careful with how I behave and how I go on with my everyday life. I admit that I'm not the wisest person, I don't think I'll be that wise old lady when I grow older. I'll most probably be that  senile crazy old lady who laughs a lot. I'm not wise enough to handle a lot of situations around me, but I know that I have the mind of Christ and I am speaking of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given to us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

I know that my happiness isn't the end-all and be-all for what God wants for me, but I know in my heart that God wants me to be happy too. I am not blaming anyone - we're way past that now. I'm happy because I'm finding God here, in Huddersfield among the people that live here. I'm happy because I'm getting closer to God. I talk to Him way more now than I did before, I read the bible every morning when I get up, I just want to be close to Him.

I'm happy because He's giving me a second chance to do this right, not that it wasn't right before. We learn from the past, and move on. I never want to be far away from God, not ever.

butterflies

in my tummy.

Phillipians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

How I spent my evening.

Read the old testament, something which I should do more often. Went through book by book and found out about the context for some things I didn't previously understand.

While sipping wine, listening to some good ol' jazzy numbers. Rain outside my window.

About to take a shower, and then sleep like a baby.

A pretty good evening if you ask me.

I get a kick

out of you.

Singing in the rain :)

It's literally raining here all week (although yesterday was such a lovely, sunny day). But that's alright because...

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain

Dancin' in the rain
I'm happy again
I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!

Why am I smiling
And why do I sing?
Why does September 
Seem sunny as spring?
Why do I get up
Each morning and start?
Happy and head up 
With joy in my heart
Why is each new task
A trifle to do?

Waiting.

Isaiah 40:31 
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 37:7-9 
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.

P/S: It has been such a good day. I can actually make a decent nyonya chicken curry and my mom would be so proud of me. I am feeling joyful, it goes beyond happiness alone :) I want God to be the centre of my life, my relationships, my everything. I know that everything will be alright if I just do that. I'm looking forward to the future and it's just really exciting what it may bring :) 

A shadow and a thought.

How I came to Colossians 3:2-4 after watching The Return of the King, I do not know.

Equal footing.

My thoughts on flowers.

As I listen to James Morrison's 'You Give Me Something', he sings of not giving flowers because he can't work out what they mean. My thoughts on flowers?

I cannot work out what they really mean either. Yeah, they're pretty and in the past when I have received them they have always made me smile. I wouldn't want someone to give me flowers too often just because. I'd feel like he's ''weak'' because it'll seem like he's a hopeless romantic and I don't fancy that.

But not receiving them at all is sort of the other extreme. I'd be okay if the lack of flowers are compensated by another (romantic) gesture though. Having no flowers and no romantic gesture at all is... well, sad really. Then again, too much of a romantic gesture makes me feel queasy.

What's too much of a romantic gesture? Hopelessly trying to please me, constantly looking for me and thinking of me, trying too hard, flowers sent to my office, etc. These things have always been a huge turn off for me.

Simple little things (a gesture that isn't overboard) make me a happy girl. People say they're not essential in a relationship, but I've come to terms that I beg to differ. It can make a relationship (even if both partners love God and everything else is fine) go dry.

I've realized now that I'll know I've found the one when it's really right. Whatever he does will be not too much, not too little, it'll feel just right. It didn't feel quite right before. And that's okay, we all learn. I know that it won't take too much work (it won't be easy of course, but I won't be weighted down because of it), I'll just know. Now I'm just waiting on God to tell me when's right and who that'll be. Until then, I'll continue to trust in him.

just wondering aloud.

i just realized he never gave me many things to keep. everything he gave was unkeepable.

i don't say this with sadness, happiness, or any kind of feeling really. i say this very neutrally.

just wondering aloud, as i look around my room, trying to place where each item came from.

God wants us to know that when we follow him, our lives always mean more than we think they do. For the Christian there is always a connection between the ordinary events of life and the stupendous work of God in history. Everything we do in obedience to God, no matter how small, is significant. It is part of a cosmic mosaic which God is painting to display the greatness of his power and wisdom to the world - John Piper

God is good.

Got a new job ;)
Everything seems to be falling into place here, quickly.
My uni work (and I still can't believe I'm working with David and Donna), money matters, now my job.
I'm happy. I know I've said it countless times, but I am, and I can't believe I've not been happy for years in comparison. It's a wake up call. I've always sorta discounted my happiness, and didn't even know I was unhappy really. I used to think that it isn't a big deal, that other things were more important. I felt like it's a silly little thing to cry or whine over. But I've realized that God wants me to be happy too, and that my happiness IS a big deal.

Any doubts of England not being the place I should move to has been erased. This IS the place I'm meant to be right now. So glad I listened to God's call even though it was mighty difficult to make this huge change in my life. So much has happened over the last few months and it's crazy to think that I was in New York not too long ago stressing about what to do and where to go. God kept pointing towards here, and all I had to do was pack up and go. I'm settling down here at a great pace and won't look back any longer.

P/S: OHMYGOODNESS It seems like all I ever talk about is how happy I am :/ But I can't help it, it's like a revelation to me of how happy one can be. I never thought that I could be this happy - how pathetic :) I have been so miserable for most of my life I don't even know what happiness feels like. For most of my childhood, it was dreadful. A lot of hurt and anger. During my teenage years I just sorta put up a wall and became oblivious to the fact that I was hurting and unhappy. I was in Malaysia for two years and was greatly unhappy there too. I was yearning for things I didn't understand or couldn't grasp. I just knew I had to get out of there. Then I moved to America and something wasn't quite right either, I just wasn't as happy as I am now, here.

I think not knowing what it is like to be happy, made me unaware of the fact that this is how happiness feels like and I can achieve that. I almost settled for it, but took the greatest risk in my life so far and moved. And this is it - this is how happiness feels like. Of course I know that I am not always going to be this happy, but this is a baseline rate of happiness that I never experienced anywhere elsewhere and I'll take this any day.

I admit that I'm a good researcher.

The way I think is great for raising research questions and my writing abilities (and linking things) help a lot. This is definitely an advantage of mine compared to many out there, I'd say. Praise God, of course.

However, I'm not good at many other things that I have no interest in. I simply zone out and have nothing to say. So if you don't hear me quipping in, it means that I have no idea what you're on about, something that I sometimes feel like I should know, because of my need to know everything. But I've learned that I don't need to know everything, and that's alright. Jack of all trades, and master of one. Except that I don't know jack about all the other trades. Ha, see I made a pun there :)

I appreciate you liking my brains

because sometimes i think i have none.

don't listen to sad songs, if they make you sad.

something i've learnt.
heh.

Productive day indeed.

Woke up at 12pm (hang on, let me go on). Got to the research office by 1pm, busted out some experimental ideas, made some contacts, and will work til I drop with the company of a cloudy lemonade bottle. I shall reward myself with something good tonight :)

Update (2am): I was falling asleep in the office watching catchup-tv with my headphones on (some cooking channel) writing down the recipe for a courgette soup with milk and cheese instead of working hard. My attention span is that of a goldfish's. I went home at 10pm. And then discovered I had more work than I thought I had. Seeing as I'm off to Leeds this Friday I have to hand in my work before then so I guess I'm burning the midnight oil tonight. I have decided that I work better in the night. It's quiet and my thoughts are just more aligned when everyone else is snoring away.

Simple little things make me happy.

Like a great set of headphones or an ace set of speaker system when listening to music. The bassiness of the music really comes through and I feel instantly relaxed.

Like lighting a little candle in my room, switching off the lights. The candle can't be a fruity or flowery smell though, it should preferably smell like clean cotton. Mmmm.

Like waking up to a sunny morning, looking out my third-floor-window and seeing the hilly view of Huddersfield. Yes, I find it beautiful and some might find that strange coming from a person who's lived all over the place, but really, I'm so at peace here in England. :)

Like the fact that Christmas is fast approaching, seeing all the holiday street decorations be put on in town and it being lit up at night :)

Moving to England

is possibly the best God-led decision I've ever made. I can safely say that. I'm much happier, and it's a stark contrast to how I was feeling when I was in New York.

Christmas gets me all excited

and acting like a child :) As much as I'm sad, I want to trust that everything will be alright. I'm especially looking forward to this year's Christmas. It'll be the first time I'm going to experience Christmas in England. It's absolutely my favorite time of the year, it just gets me all gooey inside listening to Christmas songs and getting my gloves out. A month and a half til Jesus is born! :)

in the mornings

it is the worst feeling.
i wake up to an empty, cold, room.
a big part of me gone.
him saying he can't help me anymore
how do you move on from years of being together?
I clamber for the nearest human company
anybody who'd spare some time for me
God, please, it hurts.

I will wait.

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
- mumford and sons.

listening to

michael kiwanuka's 'home again'
over and over.

you were a big part of me,
and always will be in a way.
i hope you're okay.

smile baby.

first day i woke up since last friday and genuinely smiling, even if for a little bit.
it's sunny,
i'm alright.