cool

and collected.

who knew i could be that? even for just one day.

i achieved so much today by not being my usual frantic self.

i am too paranoid and it eats me up.

giving it up to god, being calm, sauntering into things - certainly has their benefits.

this doesn't mean i become lazy and leave it up to fate, oh no, it just means i trust The One Who Knows All fully, and i'm okay with it. i still do what i'm supposed to, minus the me being at wit's end. and when i find myself being in a tizzy again (probably sometime soon) i will pray. i used to tell people that worrying doesn't change a thing, when i should tell myself that more.

it's so hard not to be my paranoid self sometimes - i think i rather enjoy being paranoid. it gives me a sense of control in a weird way, it keeps me busy, deluding myself that i'm doing ''something''. see, this goes back to this issue of trust between god and i, of not letting go the fact that sometimes i can do nothing at all and only he can.

sometimes being worried is a good push, it makes me perform well in whatever i put my hands on, i do well under pressure and that adrenaline makes me give my all. oftentimes it sends me over the edge and even if the results are more than satisfactory, i don't think it's necessary i put myself in a stew everytime. maybe just occassionally i will let myself have a little adrenaline rush, we all need it sometimes (the keyword being sometimes).