The past few days have been amazing, somewhat surreal as well. It's definitely something I'll tell my kids about. I discovered cider (pear's the best) which has like a ridiculously low alcoholic content - perfect for me. Seems like everything that's happened in Edinburgh was purely by chance. Well.... I don't believe in luck or chance to be honest.
I had a wonderful time, as shortlived as the trip was. Twas full of unexpected turns, in a totally great way. I stayed at an apartment by the Royal Mile, it was a prime location in the heart of Edinburgh and I had a queen-sized bed - lush I know. My last night was indeed the best, although the night before started it all, in the wee hours of New Year's day. Amidst all the drunkenness around me (I was really really very sober in comparison to everyone else around me, only had one cider to drink the entire night), it was a great chance (I can't think right now of a word to replace chance, destiny seems a bit too heavy of a word and a bit heavy handed) to meet some unlikely people, or one unlikely person.
What a way to kick off 2013.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
of Bubble baths, Lakme and Self-discovery.
I've never felt so happy and free for a long, long time :)
I'm done with my lit review, wrote 10000 words too long but I think I did a good job. With that done, I'm free now til the 2nd of January. There's no one in my flat now, everyone's gone home and to my surprise I find it so much more relaxing with everyone gone. I thought I'd be moping around alone but no - it's so nice to have the whole flat to yourself. It's so relaxing.
Today is Xmas eve. I've been listening to Lakme Flower Duet, sipping my mulled wine I got from Sainsbury, it's such a beautiful thing to drink with thai curry with opera in the background - heaven really. Nibbling chocolate... alone in my flat, with a candle on, the room smelling divine, just relaxing after a day out with a friend (we just did a little shopping and went to a Thai restaurant which was a little pricey but I didn't mind just for one night).
Tomorrow's Xmas. And then on Wednesday I'm going to treat myself to a bubble bath. I've never ever had one, and I've always wanted to have one, of course with my mulled wine, lavender scents and bath bombs. No one's home - ahhhh so excited to have some me-time again. I actually had to google how to make a bubble bath. One 'recipe' calls for adding milk in, good because I just got like a really large bottle today. I've read somewhere that Cleopatra and princesses in the bible used to bathe in milk to make their skin more beautiful. Or something. Who cares, I just want to be by myself, with myself, and not be bombarded with stuff I have to do. I'm really looking forward to the new year, and I like how this year is ending. Going to Edinburgh on Friday, and spending New Year's eve and New Year there. Apparently it's a beautiful city.
You discover so much about yourself when you spend time with yourself, allowing yourself to do what you want to, and what you really are. I've changed a bit since leaving New York, and I like the new me :) I think it's not so much changing to be honest, I've always been this, but I've never allowed myself to do it. And now that I am, I'm just really happy.
Here's to happy days. Merry Xmas folks.
I'm done with my lit review, wrote 10000 words too long but I think I did a good job. With that done, I'm free now til the 2nd of January. There's no one in my flat now, everyone's gone home and to my surprise I find it so much more relaxing with everyone gone. I thought I'd be moping around alone but no - it's so nice to have the whole flat to yourself. It's so relaxing.
Tomorrow's Xmas. And then on Wednesday I'm going to treat myself to a bubble bath. I've never ever had one, and I've always wanted to have one, of course with my mulled wine, lavender scents and bath bombs. No one's home - ahhhh so excited to have some me-time again. I actually had to google how to make a bubble bath. One 'recipe' calls for adding milk in, good because I just got like a really large bottle today. I've read somewhere that Cleopatra and princesses in the bible used to bathe in milk to make their skin more beautiful. Or something. Who cares, I just want to be by myself, with myself, and not be bombarded with stuff I have to do. I'm really looking forward to the new year, and I like how this year is ending. Going to Edinburgh on Friday, and spending New Year's eve and New Year there. Apparently it's a beautiful city.
You discover so much about yourself when you spend time with yourself, allowing yourself to do what you want to, and what you really are. I've changed a bit since leaving New York, and I like the new me :) I think it's not so much changing to be honest, I've always been this, but I've never allowed myself to do it. And now that I am, I'm just really happy.
Here's to happy days. Merry Xmas folks.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
fig and orange oil.
Only £2 from M&S.
Little things make me a very happy girl.
The accompanying hand/body lotion smells even more amazing, and was £1 for a steal.
So wintery too.
Winter's officially my favourite season.
Imagine a dimly lit room at night, candles lit, soft jazz music, with the smell of fig and orange oil and clean cotton, it's cold and wintry outside but warm and cosy in the room.
I absolutely love going into M&S Simply Food. It's just a bit better than Sainsbury's, not that Sainsbury's is bad but I just love the feeling of going food shopping there, albeit a little pricier (only slightly actually). Today I ventured into the clothes department (I normally don't, it's a bit too pricey and dull for me) and got myself a simple watch. I love watches, especially ones with a big face. I've been wanting a watch that is more from the golden pallette for awhile now. The one other watch I always wear is Timex Weekender, it's silver and gets me a lot of compliments each time I wear it. It's easy, and goes with almost everything. Almost. That's where this M&S watch comes in. It's got a brown leathery-looking strap, clean-designed face, sophisticated because it's so simple, and very affordable at £19 too.
Oh and I bought £30 worth of food, and I already ate 3/4 of them already, in just a few hours. Bad Magdalene.
Monday, December 17, 2012
First world pains.
So i bought a bottle of red wine (Claret) to have after dinner but then realised that it requires a cork screw thingy to open it - it's not the screw cap variety, argh. I was really looking forward to having it and now I gotta find a cork screw opener thingy first :(
of facebook statuses and the truth it can sometimes hold.
"There's a point in your life when you have to decide if you stick with what's comfortable and predictable or do what's hard, but better for you in the long run."
I never thought I'd be copy-pasting from some friend's status on facebook. But it's cool, i'm doing it now. Lololol.
I never thought I'd be copy-pasting from some friend's status on facebook. But it's cool, i'm doing it now. Lololol.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Glühwein (Mulled wine).
First tried it in London at Borough Market (i'm not one for touristy spots so i ventured to the markets instead). I kept seeing it being sold here and there and thought, 'why not try it'. I had it with curry, and it was the perfect combination really. The mulled wine wasn't to my liking to be honest, and a better version I had was much sweeter with lower alcohol content at Rhubarb bar in Huddersfield itself yesterday night. I had just worked non-stop from 3.30 til 9.30pm and thought I deserve a drink, glad I did becaue it was lovely. Sweeter than Borough Market's and much, much, lower in alcohol content.
So i fished around online for some recipes, here's one:
To 4 litres of red wine you need:
- Caster sugar (amount proportional to quality of red wine, the worse the wine the more sugar you need, add it to taste, but start with about 2 cups)
- 6 - 8 Cinnamon sticks
- Whole cloves
- 2 Oranges
- Whole allspice
- 2 cups of orange juice
- If you wish to get your friends and yourself tipsy even more quickly, or just to add a little extra kick, add brandy, sweet sherry or port to the mix. (optional but rather tasty)
Pour the red wine into a large pot and put it on the stove on a very low heat – you must not let the wine boil or the world could end… and that is not something you want to risk...
- Cut the oranges into slices and then put about 4 cloves into each slice, then put them in with the wine.
- Break the cinnamon sticks in half or thirds and put them in with the wine as well as 10 of the whole all spice.
- Add in the sherry or port as well as 2 cups of orange juice.
- Add in 2 cups of sugar and stir.
- Stir on and off for about 30 mins to give the spices time to infuse with the wine and for the magic to occur, then taste it, and add more sugar as needed (possible up to 4 or 5 cups more in the wine is really bad).
- Let it cook/infuse/whatever for about 30 mins more (again, not letting it boil).
- Drink and be happy :)
Monday, December 10, 2012
God don't like no sloths.
You have not been given a spirt of fear or timidity. But of power, love and self discipline.
Sure, Hudds may be boring compared to London but it's a good town to do my PhD where I can exercise self discipline. Fewer shops and distractions mean less time spent going around mucking about. I still wish I could live in London though, such a great city - it's like a better version of New York (it's got everything I like about NY and nothing I hate about NY too).
I have a feeling I probably won't be living there ever though, after I graduate I will have to be looking for jobs at unis as professors to teach (better brush up on my stats skills asap!) and won't probably find one in London. Probably at some small uni at some small town, possibly still stuck in Hudds :(
I never thought I'd say this but I don't mind dating a researcher. Haha. I was kinda opposed to the idea of doing that before, because I wanted someone who doesn't know what I'm doing - someone who'd have no clue so he can't really contend with my ideas, or just someone who's doing something different than what I do, but then it's so much fun to talk to your significant other about your work as well isn't it, and if he knows about it as well there's more to talk about, more to discuss. They could even motivate you in doing really well in your work ;)
Ah well, when he comes, he'll come, in whatever shape, size or form, be it an investigative psyc researcher or non-researcher. Highly doubt he'll be one though, only God knows :)
Sure, Hudds may be boring compared to London but it's a good town to do my PhD where I can exercise self discipline. Fewer shops and distractions mean less time spent going around mucking about. I still wish I could live in London though, such a great city - it's like a better version of New York (it's got everything I like about NY and nothing I hate about NY too).
I have a feeling I probably won't be living there ever though, after I graduate I will have to be looking for jobs at unis as professors to teach (better brush up on my stats skills asap!) and won't probably find one in London. Probably at some small uni at some small town, possibly still stuck in Hudds :(
I never thought I'd say this but I don't mind dating a researcher. Haha. I was kinda opposed to the idea of doing that before, because I wanted someone who doesn't know what I'm doing - someone who'd have no clue so he can't really contend with my ideas, or just someone who's doing something different than what I do, but then it's so much fun to talk to your significant other about your work as well isn't it, and if he knows about it as well there's more to talk about, more to discuss. They could even motivate you in doing really well in your work ;)
Ah well, when he comes, he'll come, in whatever shape, size or form, be it an investigative psyc researcher or non-researcher. Highly doubt he'll be one though, only God knows :)
14th IAIP Conference in London 2012
Going to this conference really sealed in the deal for me that I'm meant to be in Hudds for now. I've definitely found my niche in what I'm doing - I'm motivated to do it as well. This conference really really inspired me to do super well in my thesis. I hope to get something published as well. Meeting so many great researchers at this conference and them saying my topic is really interesting (thanks to David and Donna who propelled me to investigate the topic of plausibility, fraud and false appeals) I really really want to be a great researcher. That means a lot of hard work, and me stop being so lazy.
Some younger researchers also inspired me with how hard they work, and how passionate they are about research. Great model for me to follow after. I will work hard, and hopefully make my claim to fame somehow in my field, not a lot of research out there on my topic honestly (plausibility), which is good in a sense so that I could contribute new knowledge. I have been given a great chance to do this and I wanna do it well. Not many people get the chance to catch their dreams and I've been given it every step of the way. Starting from 5 years ago when I first wanted to get into forensic psych - I even got into John Jay, like a dream. And then here I am under the supervision of the ever-respected David and Donna (whom, a lot of researchers look up to, which makes me really proud to be under them).
I will stop wasting this opportunity away like I've been doing for the past 3 months, my thoughts were just elsewhere and I haven't been putting much effort on my thesis at all. Going to London changed everything, I'm going to work hard and do my best. God is always with me, and for that I am grateful. I want to get my research published before my viva. That's my aim. David said that if our lit review is good he'll publish it. Gawd, I really really would like to have mine published. My lit rev due on the 23rd (we all got an extension) and I'm going to put my best effort in it. This is make-it or break-it time.
Some younger researchers also inspired me with how hard they work, and how passionate they are about research. Great model for me to follow after. I will work hard, and hopefully make my claim to fame somehow in my field, not a lot of research out there on my topic honestly (plausibility), which is good in a sense so that I could contribute new knowledge. I have been given a great chance to do this and I wanna do it well. Not many people get the chance to catch their dreams and I've been given it every step of the way. Starting from 5 years ago when I first wanted to get into forensic psych - I even got into John Jay, like a dream. And then here I am under the supervision of the ever-respected David and Donna (whom, a lot of researchers look up to, which makes me really proud to be under them).
I will stop wasting this opportunity away like I've been doing for the past 3 months, my thoughts were just elsewhere and I haven't been putting much effort on my thesis at all. Going to London changed everything, I'm going to work hard and do my best. God is always with me, and for that I am grateful. I want to get my research published before my viva. That's my aim. David said that if our lit review is good he'll publish it. Gawd, I really really would like to have mine published. My lit rev due on the 23rd (we all got an extension) and I'm going to put my best effort in it. This is make-it or break-it time.
I've been told that my writing is too dense - a lot of information in one little paragraph. Haha. That's how my brain works unfortunately, a lot of information comes in at the same time and I literally get a flood of ideas which makes perfect sense only to me, but getting my point across takes more effort, starting with trying to break down this massive orchestrated idea into littler subheadings. So I either have too much to say in one sentence that makes no temporal or narrative sense (eg. I don't eat beef, but I have an expensive pallette) or I don't say anything at all because it takes effort for me to break down what's in that craycray head of mine.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Eyebrow story.
My eyebrows are growing back. Joy!
Let me explain, three weeks ago I went to a random shop to get them waxed and she literally did it too thin. I got a shock. I specifically told her to leave it thick and she practically left my eyebrows bald. It looked like it was penciled in/drawn on/tattoed or something. It looked super stupid. I prayed that nobody would notice, but they were prettay noticeable.
Now they're growing back to their thick selves. Whew.
I am never, never getting them waxed every again. I've gotten them threaded 4 times in Hudds since I got here and every single time they manage to ruin it. What is it with England and their horrible eyebrow threading/waxing skills? In NY they got it right every single time. They just knew how to make it look better but in England, they are just really good at making it so much worser. I also hate having to keep pulling my skin every time I go to get them threaded so now I'm just gonna tweeze them myself. Each time I get them done it costs 5 quid as well... could save that money and use it for something better. And not look like a mess as well.
I am never, never getting them waxed every again. I've gotten them threaded 4 times in Hudds since I got here and every single time they manage to ruin it. What is it with England and their horrible eyebrow threading/waxing skills? In NY they got it right every single time. They just knew how to make it look better but in England, they are just really good at making it so much worser. I also hate having to keep pulling my skin every time I go to get them threaded so now I'm just gonna tweeze them myself. Each time I get them done it costs 5 quid as well... could save that money and use it for something better. And not look like a mess as well.
Mom and dad
are the wisest sometimes.. I love them to bits, even if they drive me crazy sometimes, but that's family isn't it. So cute and heartwarming when they told me that when one door closes, a better one opens.
I've got a cold and down with phlegm, but going to london for 4 days has completely changed me, for now. I'm happy again - I don't think it's fleeting this time. England still holds so much hope for me now, I love this little country, it's beautiful and I can see myself living here for a very long time.
This conference has been a 'slipstitch'... I know that there is someone out there for me, and I just haven't met him yet. I'm so calm about this, going to the 14th Annual IAIP conference in London did that for me. Next year it'll either be in Poland, New York or Italy. I hope it's in Poland/Italy just cos I've been to NY and I don't really feel like going back there in the near future, plus I do want to travel around Europe. Meeting people from all around the world and within England, I'm okay now. Now I just have to be patient. I'm pretty sure I won't be finding anyone around Huddersfield anytime soon at all, but God's timing is always perfect. The best is yet to come, isn't that exciting. In five years I'll look back and it'll all make sense then.
I'm at peace.
P/S: I'm developing an english accent now. I dunno how I feel about that... On one hand I want to keep my american accent but ah well. Come what may :) I also feel much more comfortable traveling around britain now, even may visit Scotland after new year's. Someone suggested I should visit Scotland for the new year's because they have amazing fireworks. :)
I've got a cold and down with phlegm, but going to london for 4 days has completely changed me, for now. I'm happy again - I don't think it's fleeting this time. England still holds so much hope for me now, I love this little country, it's beautiful and I can see myself living here for a very long time.
This conference has been a 'slipstitch'... I know that there is someone out there for me, and I just haven't met him yet. I'm so calm about this, going to the 14th Annual IAIP conference in London did that for me. Next year it'll either be in Poland, New York or Italy. I hope it's in Poland/Italy just cos I've been to NY and I don't really feel like going back there in the near future, plus I do want to travel around Europe. Meeting people from all around the world and within England, I'm okay now. Now I just have to be patient. I'm pretty sure I won't be finding anyone around Huddersfield anytime soon at all, but God's timing is always perfect. The best is yet to come, isn't that exciting. In five years I'll look back and it'll all make sense then.
I'm at peace.
P/S: I'm developing an english accent now. I dunno how I feel about that... On one hand I want to keep my american accent but ah well. Come what may :) I also feel much more comfortable traveling around britain now, even may visit Scotland after new year's. Someone suggested I should visit Scotland for the new year's because they have amazing fireworks. :)
Monday, December 3, 2012
I'm gonna find another you.
It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you
If I'm forced to find another, I hope he looks like you
Yeah and he's nicer too
So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
Oh I'm gonna find another you
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you
If I'm forced to find another, I hope he looks like you
Yeah and he's nicer too
So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
Oh I'm gonna find another you
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
1 Corinthians 3:16
For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?
But we have the mind of Christ.
My passion is to bring people to God. I yearn for unbelievers to meet with Jesus, and have Him in their life. I feel very strongly about this, and sometimes I feel down when they see my not-so-perfect life and I worry that I'm not being a good witness.
I'm coming to terms that we are not perfect and are not meant to be. We will never be. And that's ok. The conference I went to in Leeds reminded me that we needn't be ashamed of our imperfection. Often Christians hide that they have a sin (or sins) to deal with, hiding them and pretending in church that everything is going perfect, that they're so in awe of God.
My life is visible to the non-christian students around me right now - they can see my every move. I am careful with how I behave and how I go on with my everyday life. I admit that I'm not the wisest person, I don't think I'll be that wise old lady when I grow older. I'll most probably be that senile crazy old lady who laughs a lot. I'm not wise enough to handle a lot of situations around me, but I know that I have the mind of Christ and I am speaking of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given to us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.
I know that my happiness isn't the end-all and be-all for what God wants for me, but I know in my heart that God wants me to be happy too. I am not blaming anyone - we're way past that now. I'm happy because I'm finding God here, in Huddersfield among the people that live here. I'm happy because I'm getting closer to God. I talk to Him way more now than I did before, I read the bible every morning when I get up, I just want to be close to Him.
I'm happy because He's giving me a second chance to do this right, not that it wasn't right before. We learn from the past, and move on. I never want to be far away from God, not ever.
But we have the mind of Christ.
My passion is to bring people to God. I yearn for unbelievers to meet with Jesus, and have Him in their life. I feel very strongly about this, and sometimes I feel down when they see my not-so-perfect life and I worry that I'm not being a good witness.
I'm coming to terms that we are not perfect and are not meant to be. We will never be. And that's ok. The conference I went to in Leeds reminded me that we needn't be ashamed of our imperfection. Often Christians hide that they have a sin (or sins) to deal with, hiding them and pretending in church that everything is going perfect, that they're so in awe of God.
My life is visible to the non-christian students around me right now - they can see my every move. I am careful with how I behave and how I go on with my everyday life. I admit that I'm not the wisest person, I don't think I'll be that wise old lady when I grow older. I'll most probably be that senile crazy old lady who laughs a lot. I'm not wise enough to handle a lot of situations around me, but I know that I have the mind of Christ and I am speaking of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given to us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.
I know that my happiness isn't the end-all and be-all for what God wants for me, but I know in my heart that God wants me to be happy too. I am not blaming anyone - we're way past that now. I'm happy because I'm finding God here, in Huddersfield among the people that live here. I'm happy because I'm getting closer to God. I talk to Him way more now than I did before, I read the bible every morning when I get up, I just want to be close to Him.
I'm happy because He's giving me a second chance to do this right, not that it wasn't right before. We learn from the past, and move on. I never want to be far away from God, not ever.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
How I spent my evening.
Read the old testament, something which I should do more often. Went through book by book and found out about the context for some things I didn't previously understand.
While sipping wine, listening to some good ol' jazzy numbers. Rain outside my window.
About to take a shower, and then sleep like a baby.
A pretty good evening if you ask me.
While sipping wine, listening to some good ol' jazzy numbers. Rain outside my window.
About to take a shower, and then sleep like a baby.
A pretty good evening if you ask me.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Singing in the rain :)
It's literally raining here all week (although yesterday was such a lovely, sunny day). But that's alright because...
I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain
Dancin' in the rain
I'm happy again
I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!
Why am I smiling
And why do I sing?
Why does September
Seem sunny as spring?
Why do I get up
Each morning and start?
Happy and head up
With joy in my heart
Why is each new task
A trifle to do?
I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain
Dancin' in the rain
I'm happy again
I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!
Why am I smiling
And why do I sing?
Why does September
Seem sunny as spring?
Why do I get up
Each morning and start?
Happy and head up
With joy in my heart
Why is each new task
A trifle to do?
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Waiting.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
Psalm 37:7-9
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
P/S: It has been such a good day. I can actually make a decent nyonya chicken curry and my mom would be so proud of me. I am feeling joyful, it goes beyond happiness alone :) I want God to be the centre of my life, my relationships, my everything. I know that everything will be alright if I just do that. I'm looking forward to the future and it's just really exciting what it may bring :)
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
Psalm 37:7-9
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
P/S: It has been such a good day. I can actually make a decent nyonya chicken curry and my mom would be so proud of me. I am feeling joyful, it goes beyond happiness alone :) I want God to be the centre of my life, my relationships, my everything. I know that everything will be alright if I just do that. I'm looking forward to the future and it's just really exciting what it may bring :)
Friday, November 16, 2012
A shadow and a thought.
How I came to Colossians 3:2-4 after watching The Return of the King, I do not know.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
My thoughts on flowers.
As I listen to James Morrison's 'You Give Me Something', he sings of not giving flowers because he can't work out what they mean. My thoughts on flowers?
I cannot work out what they really mean either. Yeah, they're pretty and in the past when I have received them they have always made me smile. I wouldn't want someone to give me flowers too often just because. I'd feel like he's ''weak'' because it'll seem like he's a hopeless romantic and I don't fancy that.
But not receiving them at all is sort of the other extreme. I'd be okay if the lack of flowers are compensated by another (romantic) gesture though. Having no flowers and no romantic gesture at all is... well, sad really. Then again, too much of a romantic gesture makes me feel queasy.
What's too much of a romantic gesture? Hopelessly trying to please me, constantly looking for me and thinking of me, trying too hard, flowers sent to my office, etc. These things have always been a huge turn off for me.
Simple little things (a gesture that isn't overboard) make me a happy girl. People say they're not essential in a relationship, but I've come to terms that I beg to differ. It can make a relationship (even if both partners love God and everything else is fine) go dry.
I've realized now that I'll know I've found the one when it's really right. Whatever he does will be not too much, not too little, it'll feel just right. It didn't feel quite right before. And that's okay, we all learn. I know that it won't take too much work (it won't be easy of course, but I won't be weighted down because of it), I'll just know. Now I'm just waiting on God to tell me when's right and who that'll be. Until then, I'll continue to trust in him.
I cannot work out what they really mean either. Yeah, they're pretty and in the past when I have received them they have always made me smile. I wouldn't want someone to give me flowers too often just because. I'd feel like he's ''weak'' because it'll seem like he's a hopeless romantic and I don't fancy that.
But not receiving them at all is sort of the other extreme. I'd be okay if the lack of flowers are compensated by another (romantic) gesture though. Having no flowers and no romantic gesture at all is... well, sad really. Then again, too much of a romantic gesture makes me feel queasy.
What's too much of a romantic gesture? Hopelessly trying to please me, constantly looking for me and thinking of me, trying too hard, flowers sent to my office, etc. These things have always been a huge turn off for me.
Simple little things (a gesture that isn't overboard) make me a happy girl. People say they're not essential in a relationship, but I've come to terms that I beg to differ. It can make a relationship (even if both partners love God and everything else is fine) go dry.
I've realized now that I'll know I've found the one when it's really right. Whatever he does will be not too much, not too little, it'll feel just right. It didn't feel quite right before. And that's okay, we all learn. I know that it won't take too much work (it won't be easy of course, but I won't be weighted down because of it), I'll just know. Now I'm just waiting on God to tell me when's right and who that'll be. Until then, I'll continue to trust in him.
just wondering aloud.
i just realized he never gave me many things to keep. everything he gave was unkeepable.
i don't say this with sadness, happiness, or any kind of feeling really. i say this very neutrally.
just wondering aloud, as i look around my room, trying to place where each item came from.
i don't say this with sadness, happiness, or any kind of feeling really. i say this very neutrally.
just wondering aloud, as i look around my room, trying to place where each item came from.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
God wants us to know that when we follow him, our lives always mean more than we think they do. For the Christian there is always a connection between the ordinary events of life and the stupendous work of God in history. Everything we do in obedience to God, no matter how small, is significant. It is part of a cosmic mosaic which God is painting to display the greatness of his power and wisdom to the world - John Piper
God is good.
Got a new job ;)
Everything seems to be falling into place here, quickly.
My uni work (and I still can't believe I'm working with David and Donna), money matters, now my job.
I'm happy. I know I've said it countless times, but I am, and I can't believe I've not been happy for years in comparison. It's a wake up call. I've always sorta discounted my happiness, and didn't even know I was unhappy really. I used to think that it isn't a big deal, that other things were more important. I felt like it's a silly little thing to cry or whine over. But I've realized that God wants me to be happy too, and that my happiness IS a big deal.
Any doubts of England not being the place I should move to has been erased. This IS the place I'm meant to be right now. So glad I listened to God's call even though it was mighty difficult to make this huge change in my life. So much has happened over the last few months and it's crazy to think that I was in New York not too long ago stressing about what to do and where to go. God kept pointing towards here, and all I had to do was pack up and go. I'm settling down here at a great pace and won't look back any longer.
P/S: OHMYGOODNESS It seems like all I ever talk about is how happy I am :/ But I can't help it, it's like a revelation to me of how happy one can be. I never thought that I could be this happy - how pathetic :) I have been so miserable for most of my life I don't even know what happiness feels like. For most of my childhood, it was dreadful. A lot of hurt and anger. During my teenage years I just sorta put up a wall and became oblivious to the fact that I was hurting and unhappy. I was in Malaysia for two years and was greatly unhappy there too. I was yearning for things I didn't understand or couldn't grasp. I just knew I had to get out of there. Then I moved to America and something wasn't quite right either, I just wasn't as happy as I am now, here.
I think not knowing what it is like to be happy, made me unaware of the fact that this is how happiness feels like and I can achieve that. I almost settled for it, but took the greatest risk in my life so far and moved. And this is it - this is how happiness feels like. Of course I know that I am not always going to be this happy, but this is a baseline rate of happiness that I never experienced anywhere elsewhere and I'll take this any day.
Everything seems to be falling into place here, quickly.
My uni work (and I still can't believe I'm working with David and Donna), money matters, now my job.
I'm happy. I know I've said it countless times, but I am, and I can't believe I've not been happy for years in comparison. It's a wake up call. I've always sorta discounted my happiness, and didn't even know I was unhappy really. I used to think that it isn't a big deal, that other things were more important. I felt like it's a silly little thing to cry or whine over. But I've realized that God wants me to be happy too, and that my happiness IS a big deal.
Any doubts of England not being the place I should move to has been erased. This IS the place I'm meant to be right now. So glad I listened to God's call even though it was mighty difficult to make this huge change in my life. So much has happened over the last few months and it's crazy to think that I was in New York not too long ago stressing about what to do and where to go. God kept pointing towards here, and all I had to do was pack up and go. I'm settling down here at a great pace and won't look back any longer.
P/S: OHMYGOODNESS It seems like all I ever talk about is how happy I am :/ But I can't help it, it's like a revelation to me of how happy one can be. I never thought that I could be this happy - how pathetic :) I have been so miserable for most of my life I don't even know what happiness feels like. For most of my childhood, it was dreadful. A lot of hurt and anger. During my teenage years I just sorta put up a wall and became oblivious to the fact that I was hurting and unhappy. I was in Malaysia for two years and was greatly unhappy there too. I was yearning for things I didn't understand or couldn't grasp. I just knew I had to get out of there. Then I moved to America and something wasn't quite right either, I just wasn't as happy as I am now, here.
I think not knowing what it is like to be happy, made me unaware of the fact that this is how happiness feels like and I can achieve that. I almost settled for it, but took the greatest risk in my life so far and moved. And this is it - this is how happiness feels like. Of course I know that I am not always going to be this happy, but this is a baseline rate of happiness that I never experienced anywhere elsewhere and I'll take this any day.
I admit that I'm a good researcher.
The way I think is great for raising research questions and my writing abilities (and linking things) help a lot. This is definitely an advantage of mine compared to many out there, I'd say. Praise God, of course.
However, I'm not good at many other things that I have no interest in. I simply zone out and have nothing to say. So if you don't hear me quipping in, it means that I have no idea what you're on about, something that I sometimes feel like I should know, because of my need to know everything. But I've learned that I don't need to know everything, and that's alright. Jack of all trades, and master of one. Except that I don't know jack about all the other trades. Ha, see I made a pun there :)
However, I'm not good at many other things that I have no interest in. I simply zone out and have nothing to say. So if you don't hear me quipping in, it means that I have no idea what you're on about, something that I sometimes feel like I should know, because of my need to know everything. But I've learned that I don't need to know everything, and that's alright. Jack of all trades, and master of one. Except that I don't know jack about all the other trades. Ha, see I made a pun there :)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Productive day indeed.
Woke up at 12pm (hang on, let me go on). Got to the research office by 1pm, busted out some experimental ideas, made some contacts, and will work til I drop with the company of a cloudy lemonade bottle. I shall reward myself with something good tonight :)
Update (2am): I was falling asleep in the office watching catchup-tv with my headphones on (some cooking channel) writing down the recipe for a courgette soup with milk and cheese instead of working hard. My attention span is that of a goldfish's. I went home at 10pm. And then discovered I had more work than I thought I had. Seeing as I'm off to Leeds this Friday I have to hand in my work before then so I guess I'm burning the midnight oil tonight. I have decided that I work better in the night. It's quiet and my thoughts are just more aligned when everyone else is snoring away.
Update (2am): I was falling asleep in the office watching catchup-tv with my headphones on (some cooking channel) writing down the recipe for a courgette soup with milk and cheese instead of working hard. My attention span is that of a goldfish's. I went home at 10pm. And then discovered I had more work than I thought I had. Seeing as I'm off to Leeds this Friday I have to hand in my work before then so I guess I'm burning the midnight oil tonight. I have decided that I work better in the night. It's quiet and my thoughts are just more aligned when everyone else is snoring away.
Simple little things make me happy.
Like a great set of headphones or an ace set of speaker system when listening to music. The bassiness of the music really comes through and I feel instantly relaxed.
Like lighting a little candle in my room, switching off the lights. The candle can't be a fruity or flowery smell though, it should preferably smell like clean cotton. Mmmm.
Like waking up to a sunny morning, looking out my third-floor-window and seeing the hilly view of Huddersfield. Yes, I find it beautiful and some might find that strange coming from a person who's lived all over the place, but really, I'm so at peace here in England. :)
Like the fact that Christmas is fast approaching, seeing all the holiday street decorations be put on in town and it being lit up at night :)
Like lighting a little candle in my room, switching off the lights. The candle can't be a fruity or flowery smell though, it should preferably smell like clean cotton. Mmmm.
Like waking up to a sunny morning, looking out my third-floor-window and seeing the hilly view of Huddersfield. Yes, I find it beautiful and some might find that strange coming from a person who's lived all over the place, but really, I'm so at peace here in England. :)
Like the fact that Christmas is fast approaching, seeing all the holiday street decorations be put on in town and it being lit up at night :)
Moving to England
is possibly the best God-led decision I've ever made. I can safely say that. I'm much happier, and it's a stark contrast to how I was feeling when I was in New York.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Christmas gets me all excited
and acting like a child :) As much as I'm sad, I want to trust that everything will be alright. I'm especially looking forward to this year's Christmas. It'll be the first time I'm going to experience Christmas in England. It's absolutely my favorite time of the year, it just gets me all gooey inside listening to Christmas songs and getting my gloves out. A month and a half til Jesus is born! :)
in the mornings
it is the worst feeling.
i wake up to an empty, cold, room.
a big part of me gone.
him saying he can't help me anymore
how do you move on from years of being together?
I clamber for the nearest human company
anybody who'd spare some time for me
God, please, it hurts.
i wake up to an empty, cold, room.
a big part of me gone.
him saying he can't help me anymore
how do you move on from years of being together?
I clamber for the nearest human company
anybody who'd spare some time for me
God, please, it hurts.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I will wait.
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
- mumford and sons.
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
- mumford and sons.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
smile baby.
first day i woke up since last friday and genuinely smiling, even if for a little bit.
it's sunny,
i'm alright.
it's sunny,
i'm alright.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
brain matters.
lately i feel like i've been leaving my brains at home. :)
*collects pieces of brain and attempts to pull them back together to work*
*collects pieces of brain and attempts to pull them back together to work*
Classical music
makes me sad when listening to it. It brings me back to a time I'd rather not remember - my days in Australia. For many reasons really. It reminds me of cold mornings getting ready to go to school. It reminds me of how Melbourne smells like. It reminds me of pain and feelings of being lost, but the saddest thing is not even knowing that I was.
I wish I could just enjoy it.
I wish.
I wonder if she misses me, even if a little bit.
As I listen to Suite No. 1 in G (Courante) by Bach as I type this, I am reminded of how my knee was scraped purposely as she drove out of the carpark on the way to my music lesson. It bled, and she didn't care. I stifled my cry, and when I arrived at my piano teacher's house, she saw it and put on a band-aid on it for me. She asked me what happened, and I probably lied, saying that I fell.
I am reminded of how she used to play the classical music channel on the way to school when she'd drive me sometimes. I am constantly on the lookout on when she'd hit me in the car. Listening to classical music reminds me of how she'd force me to play three hours of piano every day, and I'd fall asleep pretending to practice.
Classical music reminds me of how she used to take me to places, like restaurants and theaters because she had to. It makes me miss Melbourne, knowing that I will never set foot there again, because she's still there and probably will be for a very long time. It reminds me of how I got through 4 years there, until she left me one night. I begged her not to go, but off she went. Like I was nothing to her. I am nothing to her. She never loved me, I was a burden to her. Listening to classical music almost makes me miss her.
Classical music reminds me of how she used to take me to places, like restaurants and theaters because she had to. It makes me miss Melbourne, knowing that I will never set foot there again, because she's still there and probably will be for a very long time. It reminds me of how I got through 4 years there, until she left me one night. I begged her not to go, but off she went. Like I was nothing to her. I am nothing to her. She never loved me, I was a burden to her. Listening to classical music almost makes me miss her.
Classical music also makes me feel nostalgic. I'll never be the concert pianist I'd wanted to be when I was younger (I had a brief dream of becoming one). So whenever I listen to classical music now, no matter how beautiful the music is, I associate it with pure dread and sadness.
I wish I could just enjoy it.
I wish.
I wonder if she misses me, even if a little bit.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
trouble sleeping.
sleeping makes me depressed.
the thought of sleeping gives me anxiety these days.
i feel like if i close my eyes and lay still, i'm missing out (on what i don't know).
i wish the nights were shorter and we all don't need sleep.
but god built us this way so there must be some good to it.
i'll try to close my eyes,
be a good girl and
go to sleepyboo.
Update (31/10/2012):
I slept so well last night.
Having someone at your side before you fall sleep just makes it that much easier to sleep.
Thanks, flatmate.
and God of course,
who put my flatmate there.
the thought of sleeping gives me anxiety these days.
i feel like if i close my eyes and lay still, i'm missing out (on what i don't know).
i wish the nights were shorter and we all don't need sleep.
but god built us this way so there must be some good to it.
i'll try to close my eyes,
be a good girl and
go to sleepyboo.
Update (31/10/2012):
I slept so well last night.
Having someone at your side before you fall sleep just makes it that much easier to sleep.
Thanks, flatmate.
and God of course,
who put my flatmate there.
Sometimes i scare myself at how angsty and sarcasmey i sound.
and then i try to sugarcoat it or make myself seem less bad by putting smiley faces. :)
Saturday, October 27, 2012
nosediving
into something is never a good idea.
but it saves time, cuts away all pretenses
of 'hi, how are you, doing well?'
can't be bothered, just sorta want to get to the point.
that's why i thread the water at a spot
where i can swim away as quickly as i'd dived in.
but it saves time, cuts away all pretenses
of 'hi, how are you, doing well?'
can't be bothered, just sorta want to get to the point.
that's why i thread the water at a spot
where i can swim away as quickly as i'd dived in.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
same difference
just because i have a different life now from the one you knew me from, doesn't mean i'm suddenly a different person.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sometimes I come across certain things such as a miracle that causes my shrink-ey instincts to ring alarm bells telling me that it certainly can be explained by psychology, or that it wasn't a miracle at all - and then I remember that God surpasses all human understanding, that we're not anywhere close to figuring out the capabilities and fragility of the human mind and never will be able to completely.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
I've never been happier
to be in Huddersfield.
It's a beautiful little town, and my apartment is perched on a hill overlooking other little hills (as you can tell it's a hilly area).
I was miserable in New York, pretty much for the whole 2 years I was there. Apparently the atmosphere contributes a very large part of whether I like a place or not, even if I do like the people in it. I couldn't wait to get away from Kansas too, and I remember the dreadful feeling of being miserable when I first arrived at both these places. Kansas for me was a little dead, although the people certainly more than made up for it. New York on the other hand, was too much. And dirty, might I add. There never goes by a day when I am not harassed on the streets, quite literally. I hardly went out, and preferred to stay indoors most of the time to avoid the craziness of the city.
I wouldn't say I was miserable in Melbourne, I went through quite a bit but was too young to really understand or be affected by what was going on. So that city remains somewhat beautiful to me, albeit tainted here and there.
Kuala Lumpur was, well, messy, for the lack of a better word. I was in a mess, the city seemed like a mess to me, I was just all over the place trying to find a firm ground.
But Huddersfield seems to be different. It's the first place I truly do not mind moving to. It's got everything I like - clean air (this is really important to me), not so crowded but not so dead either, lots of greens but lots of shops too (yeap this place has them both), and oh the weather. Certainly my kind of weather. Gloomy, not so sunny, cool.
Well, well, I've only been here for a day or two, so we shall see how goes it, shan't we :)
It's a beautiful little town, and my apartment is perched on a hill overlooking other little hills (as you can tell it's a hilly area).
I was miserable in New York, pretty much for the whole 2 years I was there. Apparently the atmosphere contributes a very large part of whether I like a place or not, even if I do like the people in it. I couldn't wait to get away from Kansas too, and I remember the dreadful feeling of being miserable when I first arrived at both these places. Kansas for me was a little dead, although the people certainly more than made up for it. New York on the other hand, was too much. And dirty, might I add. There never goes by a day when I am not harassed on the streets, quite literally. I hardly went out, and preferred to stay indoors most of the time to avoid the craziness of the city.
I wouldn't say I was miserable in Melbourne, I went through quite a bit but was too young to really understand or be affected by what was going on. So that city remains somewhat beautiful to me, albeit tainted here and there.
Kuala Lumpur was, well, messy, for the lack of a better word. I was in a mess, the city seemed like a mess to me, I was just all over the place trying to find a firm ground.
But Huddersfield seems to be different. It's the first place I truly do not mind moving to. It's got everything I like - clean air (this is really important to me), not so crowded but not so dead either, lots of greens but lots of shops too (yeap this place has them both), and oh the weather. Certainly my kind of weather. Gloomy, not so sunny, cool.
Well, well, I've only been here for a day or two, so we shall see how goes it, shan't we :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
cool
and collected.
who knew i could be that? even for just one day.
i achieved so much today by not being my usual frantic self.
i am too paranoid and it eats me up.
giving it up to god, being calm, sauntering into things - certainly has their benefits.
this doesn't mean i become lazy and leave it up to fate, oh no, it just means i trust The One Who Knows All fully, and i'm okay with it. i still do what i'm supposed to, minus the me being at wit's end. and when i find myself being in a tizzy again (probably sometime soon) i will pray. i used to tell people that worrying doesn't change a thing, when i should tell myself that more.
it's so hard not to be my paranoid self sometimes - i think i rather enjoy being paranoid. it gives me a sense of control in a weird way, it keeps me busy, deluding myself that i'm doing ''something''. see, this goes back to this issue of trust between god and i, of not letting go the fact that sometimes i can do nothing at all and only he can.
sometimes being worried is a good push, it makes me perform well in whatever i put my hands on, i do well under pressure and that adrenaline makes me give my all. oftentimes it sends me over the edge and even if the results are more than satisfactory, i don't think it's necessary i put myself in a stew everytime. maybe just occassionally i will let myself have a little adrenaline rush, we all need it sometimes (the keyword being sometimes).
who knew i could be that? even for just one day.
i achieved so much today by not being my usual frantic self.
i am too paranoid and it eats me up.
giving it up to god, being calm, sauntering into things - certainly has their benefits.
this doesn't mean i become lazy and leave it up to fate, oh no, it just means i trust The One Who Knows All fully, and i'm okay with it. i still do what i'm supposed to, minus the me being at wit's end. and when i find myself being in a tizzy again (probably sometime soon) i will pray. i used to tell people that worrying doesn't change a thing, when i should tell myself that more.
it's so hard not to be my paranoid self sometimes - i think i rather enjoy being paranoid. it gives me a sense of control in a weird way, it keeps me busy, deluding myself that i'm doing ''something''. see, this goes back to this issue of trust between god and i, of not letting go the fact that sometimes i can do nothing at all and only he can.
sometimes being worried is a good push, it makes me perform well in whatever i put my hands on, i do well under pressure and that adrenaline makes me give my all. oftentimes it sends me over the edge and even if the results are more than satisfactory, i don't think it's necessary i put myself in a stew everytime. maybe just occassionally i will let myself have a little adrenaline rush, we all need it sometimes (the keyword being sometimes).
Monday, August 27, 2012
i'm loosening up
within limits
and it's a good feeling.
so very liberating.
and before you clamber into making anything of what i mean - i'm just loosening up in terms of freeing my thoughts while not giving up my values, listening to ''simple'' music that means what it says (like the awesome band Passion Pit) instead of the usual crazy indie stuff i like that has ten layers of meaning sometimes, using the word ''awesome'' more - not like me, bracing the fact that i cannot know what lies ahead next week and being totally alright with that, reading strange books i normally wouldn't (well it's been awhile since i've read absolutely anything including the papers. *snort*).
mind you, this is not loosening up to the point where i lose a sense of who i am and what i stand for.
this is simply taking myself off the hook i always seem to put myself on. i truly am harsh on myself, it's so tiring. well before i was this harsh, i was too liberal and i don't want to be that either. that would be me going backwards in my books, and we don't want that.
i think *gasp* i'm evolving (whew) and i love it *grin*.
oh hey and look, i just wrote without a single capital letter.
and it's a good feeling.
so very liberating.
and before you clamber into making anything of what i mean - i'm just loosening up in terms of freeing my thoughts while not giving up my values, listening to ''simple'' music that means what it says (like the awesome band Passion Pit) instead of the usual crazy indie stuff i like that has ten layers of meaning sometimes, using the word ''awesome'' more - not like me, bracing the fact that i cannot know what lies ahead next week and being totally alright with that, reading strange books i normally wouldn't (well it's been awhile since i've read absolutely anything including the papers. *snort*).
mind you, this is not loosening up to the point where i lose a sense of who i am and what i stand for.
this is simply taking myself off the hook i always seem to put myself on. i truly am harsh on myself, it's so tiring. well before i was this harsh, i was too liberal and i don't want to be that either. that would be me going backwards in my books, and we don't want that.
i think *gasp* i'm evolving (whew) and i love it *grin*.
oh hey and look, i just wrote without a single capital letter.
Friday, August 24, 2012
I just like to be left alone
while jogging/taking a hike/working out -when I do, like once a year. I'm that lazy.
I like to blast music in my ears when I do work out though, and hope you don't talk to me if you see me. And if you do I'll either just ignore you (oh please don't take it personally. *smile*) or remove one of my earphones off and utter a non-committed ''huh, what did you just say to me'' without really wanting to know what you just said to me.
Because this is when I like to think, or just spend some quiet time with myself. And when you talk to me, it disturbs my... equilibrium. Haha. If you could just wave and smile then carry on without initiating a conversation, I would be ever so delighted. Perhaps you can do that after I work out, not during?
And no, this is to no one particular, just a general musing, I assure ye readers. Surely I'm not alone in liking to be left alone while working out...?
I like to blast music in my ears when I do work out though, and hope you don't talk to me if you see me. And if you do I'll either just ignore you (oh please don't take it personally. *smile*) or remove one of my earphones off and utter a non-committed ''huh, what did you just say to me'' without really wanting to know what you just said to me.
Because this is when I like to think, or just spend some quiet time with myself. And when you talk to me, it disturbs my... equilibrium. Haha. If you could just wave and smile then carry on without initiating a conversation, I would be ever so delighted. Perhaps you can do that after I work out, not during?
And no, this is to no one particular, just a general musing, I assure ye readers. Surely I'm not alone in liking to be left alone while working out...?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Disclaimer
Now if you know me, you will know that some of what I write is laden with (attempted) witty irony and unnecessary drama - aka poetic license. So please don't take every post I write too seriously, maybe just half of them. Yes, that's a good rule of thumb.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Mean Detour
So after settling down to the fact that I won't see the one I love for a year and after that maybe we'll only have a few full days before parting ways for another year, I get news from New York to come down for a final interview (it's a job I went to an interview for before I left). It looks like I may get the job and was told to come in right away, with the person signing off as "the sooner the better for us''.
Wow, what a mean detour. One decision to make that'll determine a lot of things. And all the while I'm screaming ''I'm not ready, I'm not ready to make a decision, I'm not ready to pack again, I just got here! I just accepted the fact so painstakingly to go to the UK, what is this?''
I panic (in both the positive and negative sense) as I go away to a corner and figure out what God wants me to learn from all this.
P/S: Screaming softly (how do you scream softly anyway) because here's a chance to see the one I love again, and we can be merry, happy, gay and go ''yay'' everyday together again. Panicking in the negative sense because I'd be losing a great opportunity to advance academically - and I can kinda only have one or the other, for now (I'll save you the logistic details of it, which I promise will just bore you).
Wow, what a mean detour. One decision to make that'll determine a lot of things. And all the while I'm screaming ''I'm not ready, I'm not ready to make a decision, I'm not ready to pack again, I just got here! I just accepted the fact so painstakingly to go to the UK, what is this?''
I panic (in both the positive and negative sense) as I go away to a corner and figure out what God wants me to learn from all this.
P/S: Screaming softly (how do you scream softly anyway) because here's a chance to see the one I love again, and we can be merry, happy, gay and go ''yay'' everyday together again. Panicking in the negative sense because I'd be losing a great opportunity to advance academically - and I can kinda only have one or the other, for now (I'll save you the logistic details of it, which I promise will just bore you).
An Issue of Trust
Ever kicked, screamed, wallowed and feared so hard that you have trouble breathing?; all-consuming worries that pain you, takes so much out of you that it exhausts you entirely, your airways restricted and your chest so tight, literally - you feel you cannot take one more step in this journey that have only just begun (I imagine this was how Frodo must've felt at some point carrying the ring the Mordor). And you finally give up, every limb of you dies as you cry "God, take over. I trust you".
At that moment your own heart stops beating, and you come out alive, somehow stronger, wafting in the stream of God's doing, nothing of yourself to give or do or be, you're God's, and His alone.
You're nothing but putty in his hands at this point, nothing really, a speck of dust, previously demanding all sorts of things from that Great Being. Now this speck of dust turns quiet, partly because she's so tired. But mostly quiet in acquiescence and trust that the Great Being who inhabits her is greater, and knows things she hasn't even dreamt of existing.
As I embark on this journey of going to a new land (once again for the 4th time in my life), I felt a lot of pain leaving the one I love in New York. As it happens, this is an issue of trust between God and I - to give every bone in your body up so completely, so vulnerably, and yet, so fruitfully.
Submitting and trusting God completely is harder said than done, sometimes you think you are but you really aren't. The title of this blog is taken from Psalm 20:7 (which is quickly becoming one of my new favorite verse). It'll serve as a reminder for these 3 years that I'm away in Great Britain of where to put my trust. I'll leave with Psalm 3: 5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight''.
At that moment your own heart stops beating, and you come out alive, somehow stronger, wafting in the stream of God's doing, nothing of yourself to give or do or be, you're God's, and His alone.
You're nothing but putty in his hands at this point, nothing really, a speck of dust, previously demanding all sorts of things from that Great Being. Now this speck of dust turns quiet, partly because she's so tired. But mostly quiet in acquiescence and trust that the Great Being who inhabits her is greater, and knows things she hasn't even dreamt of existing.
Submitting and trusting God completely is harder said than done, sometimes you think you are but you really aren't. The title of this blog is taken from Psalm 20:7 (which is quickly becoming one of my new favorite verse). It'll serve as a reminder for these 3 years that I'm away in Great Britain of where to put my trust. I'll leave with Psalm 3: 5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight''.
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